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His Mercies are New Each Day

Can we talk about how easy it is to backslide? How easy it is to get through an entire day without reaching for the Bible, or spending time in prayer? About how when we get to the end of our day we’re stretched, and angry. We’re DONE and wishing the kids were in bed. And not. Talking. Anymore. When we are just done answering questions and wiping butts? It’s such an embarrassing thing to speak about as a believer. It shouldn’t be, but it is. It’s a hard place to be, and it’s not lost on the small people we’re trying to lead to Christ each day.
Today was one of those days. One where I pushed our bible time back. When I prioritized chores and school work over bible time. I’m ashamed, but it happened.
I got to sleep in this morning after a fitful night with the baby. And I felt GOOD about it. I reveled in the graciousness of the Lord allowing me to stay home and teach my children; to allow our routine to go with the flow. But by the time I got to 10:00 p.m. I was finished.
I’d forgotten all about how happy I was as we checked off all our little boxes on the to-do list, or the excitement of printing our new L.A. curriculum.
We watched a movie after dinner and my husband jumped up right as it was ending, “I’m gonna go run.” And he put on his shoes, and walked out the door.
Sure, that sounds normal, right? But then things got hairy. The baby starting crying right as I pulled on my leggings to also workout. The kids went out too, but came back before he did, showering and leaving trails of water on our slick tile after forgetting towels. One decided they were going to make a sandwich, even though he hardly touched his dinner. Another needed Paw Patrol immediately or she. would. die. And another spoke without breathing (I mean, honestly!) about Minecraft. All of these things sound fine. Normal. Between 9:30-10:30 is a normal bedtime for us, so they weren’t in the wrong in anyway.
Again, all if it was normal in our home.
But in that moment I was suddenly overwhelmed, and honestly jealous of the way he could just walk out and do exactly what he wanted. I wasn’t kinda jealous, at that moment I was super jealous. And not at all thinking about a Christ-like reaction to my stress and jealousy.
And it isn’t his fault.
It isn’t the kids fault.
It’s mine.
It was my stupid human heart, being all humany. It was my stupid human brain screaming, “that’s not fair!” It was that tiny thread, (not spending time in His word.) unraveling something bigger as I inadvertently came to realize that I’m not in control in an ugly way.
It was me putting my worth and sense of accomplishment on all the things I checked off my list for the day, and all the things still to be done, and not at all on Christ. Or all that I need from Him.
So at 11:00 while he was in the shower, and the house was quiet— because 45 minutes before I’d lost my marbles, yelled at all the kids including the two, TWO year old— they’d gone to bed. Enter my husband, as I’m laying out my mat, “would you like me to hold the baby?”
WOULD I LIKE HIM TO HOLD THE BABY?
I wanted him to hold the baby when he up and left. I wanted him to hold the baby and usher me out the door when I was washing dishes and switching laundry as he enjoyed a movie with the kids. (When I could have but I CHOSE not to, because my husband is an awesome and helpful man— for the record.) And, for transparency, I said it. And he looked dumbfounded, because he was. Because I can’t expect him to read my mind. I can’t, after ten year, pretend like he’s 100% in-tune with with things I don’t say out loud, or things I wasn’t even thinking. I didn’t slam the dryer door, or bang dishes around.
No, I was content. Until I wasn’t.
I was a patient mom. Until I wasn’t.
I was a understanding mom. Until I wasn’t.
I was a loving wife. Until I wasn’t.
I was IN the word. Until I wasn’t.
And I SO wasn’t.
So, here at sit, at 12:38, pouring my heart into words after hearing His word. Feeling regret while the ones I want so badly to apologize to sleep.
I woke up happy to have slept-in courtesy of God’s grace, only to forget to do the most important thing I’m called to do: to teach my children of His grace. To pray with them, and read with them.
I put aside what we should be starting our day with, no matter what, and replace it with earthly lessons, and mundane chores, and an empty promise to “do it later on.”
And a Disney movie.
Don’t be me. Don’t forget to spend time with Him first. You need it mama. I need it. We need it.

Author:

Jesus following, coffee loving, homeschooling mama. Teaching my children with the grace of God. This is where I share about our homeschooling journey, parenting, and everyday life.

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